Immediate release, unhindered by the judgements of others. For no eyes, but mine. For no opinions other than those that flow straight from my thoughts onto this page. Here is where I bare it all, my naked soul and my translucent heart. My words will set me free.
Dude honestly, I feel like shit. I feel reallllly worthless in terms of school, I feel so incapable and depressed every time I think about it. I have been a bad student, I don’t know. This whole Bartleby thing, the idea of conflict between what your responsibilities require you to do versus what your personal preference desires you to do. In keeping my reference to Bartleby, I would prefer not to do a lot of things. I do not prefer the UC system, to be graded on my mistakes. I need more time to develop things, I need more personal help. At Moreau, I had more access to the help but here you have to go get the help yourself. I just called the Counseling Center at UCI…Friday is the earliest appointment I can have, really dude? Really? What the fuck. I don’t even understand who I am anymore, I am seriously struggling to grapple any bit of my old, driven self. I have just become so damn discouraged by everything this year, I just want to do well but I don’t know how. Yes I have been a bad student, but at the same time I don’t know how to fucking keep going. How am I supposed to accept my failures if I am being graded on them? I don’t understand how I am supposed to develop myself as a writer when my grades KDLSJFADLS;D I JUST FUCKING SUCK AT LIFE, I REALLY HAVE BEEN WISHING I WAS DEAD. I DON’T KNOW WHAT MORE THERE IS TO SAY. I really don’t know what to do about how I feel, I just wish I was happy…
I used to get really hurt, but now I suppose I have just come to accept it as is. I am usually far from first place in terms of racing through someone’s mind. I tend to find myself more towards the bottom of most people’s priority list. But I presume making the bottom of every list is better than not being on any list, which is what typically occurs whenever I catch myself scrolling through raging party statuses and quaint lunch dates rather than posting my own. I do a lot for a lot of people. As a matter of fact, I do too damn much. A common irony of life is the fact that those who you appreciate the most are the same individuals that appreciate you the least. Interesting, isn’t it? The amount you do for someone you genuinely care about, only to realize the amount of options that same person has to replace you. I am expendable, always have been and so far I still am. Although I may have accepted this to be my reality, I do still get hurt…the only difference between before and now is my guard is thicker. Well, what can I say? Every heart requires some form of protection, especially after constantly being dropped by the very people you handed it to.
Maaaan I feel hella bad. Honestly, picking up a pseudo…it was soooo freaking random! I reallllly should have put more thought into it than I originally did, but dude its hella not even like that. I would never try to replace my big sis, nor ever try to even hurt her. I don’t know how to explain what I did in a positive light but my relationship with my pseudo is def not going to be as tight as it is with my big sis and even if it we do get tight, it won’t be the same as my relationship with my big sis. Every relationship you have with someone, it will be different depending on the individual. There are some relationships that I value the same, but in different ways. I have a different relationship with everyone I care about, which means that none of the people in my life can be replaced or replace each other because each of them offer me different things and different types of comfort.
At the least, you should always believe in yourself because if you don’t, you will easily falter at any and all doubts that run through your mind. Believe in yourself at all times because in life there will be people that won’t recognize your true worth, there will be individuals who will completely disregard all of your efforts and achievements, and even more so there will be those that fail to see any sort of potential in you. If you don’t believe in yourself, their disbeliefs will win and they will overcome you. You will fail to see your own worth, your own potential, and you will forget about everything you have ever accomplished. To lack belief within yourself in a world full of a series of discouraging events and swarming with people who are either too concerned with discovering belief in their own self or too busy ripping at the security of others, is to lurk through life as a ghost, empty enough for all to see right through you. If you don’t believe in yourself, doubts will stretch, skew, blur and smudge the beautiful image God created you to be. If you can’t stand up tall enough to rise above the darkness, you will never see yourself for who you truly are and what you are capable of, no one will…no one will recognize YOU if you let all of the world’s disbelief in you restrain the brilliant light your beaming potential exudes.
Damn dude, its so ironic that I joined something that’s sole purpose is to provide you with an unlimited amount of people to always be there for you, keep you company, give you support, yada yada yada…and yet here I am looking…desperately searching for someone fucking meaningful to come with me to get my first tattoo. But yet again, here I stand alone with no one to even accompany me to do that much. I just always feel so empty at the end of the day and as much as I should be used to this feeling by now, it still hits me just as hard every time. However I guess tomorrow could be one of my first big steps in breaking away? It is possible, I may be able to start walking the path of a lonesome journalist. I might as well get used to being alone, its been that way since I can remember and it will always be that way from what I can predict.
I know hurting myself wouldn’t solve anything, but I just want to release this pain somehow. Or maybe even just feel a different kind of pain, something I can control. Everything around me has become so out of my hands.
